Ally N. Invasion Read online

  It was Ally and Josh’s turn. As they stepped up to the launch pad, Ally slyly pulled out the ‘official’ valve and replaced it with a little something of his own, brought to school especially for this moment.

  ‘5… 4… 3… 2… 1!’ Josh began pumping furiously to build up the pressure. With a bang that made half the class jump out of their skins, the model flew vertically up. All eyes were on the rocket.

  Still on the rocket.

  Watching the rocket.

  Watching the rocket climb.

  Up.

  Into.

  The.

  Clouds.

  And out of sight.

  ‘That’s not coming back, is it?’ Josh seemed less than pleased.

  ‘But we have won the competition. The Mothership will have the honour of carrying the micro-camera on its next flight,’ Ally beamed.

  ‘If anyone ever sees it again,’ added Miss Frinkley.

  Ally stopped in mid-beam. Being a top agent didn’t always mean that you thought of everything.

  The Kittenator

  Report 3: Earthling defence mechanism

  Agent 47/23 to Agent 58/24

  I have worrying news. All Earthlings carry a devastating weapon around with them. I myself was attacked by one today. After the midday food intake at Castle Street School, Unit 6GF returned to their training base, known here as a ‘classroom’, with Commander Freakley. The afternoon’s task was to create an image of a character from Earth history named, I believe, Norman the Conqueror.

  I was engaged on this task with my companion and image creation partner Josh when I looked across the table at the work of Laurence Bell whom I may have mentioned before. He took exception to my attention and began making threatening noises. I used the correct reply in this situation and told him to take himself away from this place until he was unable to find his way back again. He replied that I, too, should get lost.

  At this point there emerged a deafening rumbling noise from somewhere behind Laurence Bell. I am sure I also saw him rise a few centimetres up from the ground. Almost immediately I was assaulted by a cloud of poison gas which caused me to faint, landing face first in a tray of pigmented paste. When I recovered I found Josh smiling by my side, Commander Freakley giving more instructions to Laurence Bell in the corner of the base and Alice pointing at my head. At first I was afraid that my disguise had given way but she was apparently only laughing at my blue nose and green cheeks.

  The commander re-focused the unit on their task by saying that there was no need for all that fuss, that everybody does it and that it is quite natural. Josh’s opinion was that Laurence Bell had eaten too many beans at the midday food intake. From this information I can deduce that all Earthlings are equipped with a built-in Food Assisted Rocket Thruster. I suggest that all the kittens should be fitted with gas masks.

  CHAPTER 4

  P.E.

  For once, the sun was shining on the school field and 6GF were spared the experience of standing shivering while Miss Frinkley explained the rules for her latest ‘game’.

  ‘So when player number one has returned the bean bag to player number three after running backwards from player number two, then player number four can set off to collect the bucket of sand from the end of the track. Have we all got that?’

  Blank faces.

  ‘Look, it’ll be easier to see how it works once we get started’, the exasperated teacher snapped.

  With a large number of children running in random directions and the teacher’s attention focussed on keeping Laurence Bell within the school grounds, Josh motioned to Ally to join him under the trees.

  ‘I fail to see how resting here will improve our physical fitness,’ Ally said.

  ‘It’s better in the shade. We’ll start running when she starts watching.’

  Ally, however, was restless. He began running on the spot, occasionally circling a tree or two. ‘Maintaining optimum condition is a vital part of maximising the chances of a successful mission.’

  ‘A successful what?’ Josh said, puzzled.

  ‘Nothing,’ replied Ally, sharply.

  Josh noticed that buckets of sand were beginning to gather in the centre of the field and thought this would probably be a good time to start moving around. ‘Come on, Ally,’ he called.

  At that moment Ally was weaving in and out of a group of trees. He turned at the sound of his friend’s voice and ran hard into the nearest trunk. ‘Agh! Gravity!’ he wailed and stumbled heavily to the ground. For a moment or two he felt dizzy and lost. Josh was quickly by his side.

  ‘You’ve got something stuck in your hair,’ said Josh. He pulled at what looked like a small, straight twig protruding from the top of Ally’s head. It didn’t come free when he tugged harder.

  ‘Ow! Cease! You’re pulling my… ’ Ally stopped short.

  ‘What? What is that?’ Josh had a note of fear in his voice.

  Ally raised his hands and began pushing through his hair. Another ‘stick’ appeared making a matching pair of slim, rod-like features which ended with a metallic button.

  ‘My friend, there is something important I wish to share with you,’ Ally said, calmly.

  *

  ‘So what do you really look like?’ Josh asked later that day, during Geography.

  ‘I feel that to reveal my true appearance might be something of a shock. TMI, as you Earthlings say.’

  ‘And you’ve crashed on this planet and you’re waiting to be rescued?’

  ‘That is correct.’ Even after the failure of his disguise, Ally still wanted to keep some things hidden. Josh was so excited by the thought of having an alien for a friend that he didn’t question anything Ally told him.

  ‘Have you got, like, super powers?’

  ‘I am simply a superb specimen of my species. I cannot fly unaided, nor can I become invisible, call down lightning or command kittens to do my will. However, I do have access to a number of devices that enhance my natural abilities.’

  ‘That explains Sports Day, then.’

  Castle Street Primary Sports Day results

  High Jump

  winner:

  Ally N. Invasion

  7m 13cm

  Foam Javelin

  winner:

  Ally N. Invasion

  it hasn’t been found yet

  Egg and Spoon

  winner:

  Alice Farmer

  49 seconds

  (Ally N. Invasion disqualified for throwing the egg)

  Obstacle race

  winner:

  Josh Mckenzie

  2 mins 31 secs

  (Ally N. Invasion disqualified for vapourising the obstacles in his lane)

  100 metres

  winner:

  Ally N. Invasion

  8.1842 seconds

  (‘I timed it myself’)

  Throwing Large Ball

  winner:

  Joseph Banner

  11m 45cm

  (Ally N. Invasion disqualified. ‘I thought you said ‘throw Laurence Bell’)

  Teacher’s Race

  winner:

  Gail Frinkley

  23.1 s

  (‘I could see what Ally and Josh were doing and had to get across the field quickly’)

  Report 4: Small female Earthlings

  Agent 47/23 to Agent 58/24

  I am extremely worried by some recent events in 6GF. One of the smaller Earthlings has become rather attached to me, in the sense that she will attach herself to my arm with her upper-body gripping appendages and not let go. She is called Alice Farmer and engages in this activity several times each day, usually around the time of the mid-day food intake.

  At first I took this as an opportunity to make a closer study of female Earthlings. They are, in general, somewhat quieter than the male Earthlings but tend to make their noises for longer periods of time. She talks very often about other females and why they should or should not be her friend. The individuals chosen to become friends can vary from da
y to day or even hour to hour. She plays a musical instrument called a ‘violin’ with which she inflicts damage on the ears of every other family member and has also been known to do this to the entire collection of Earthlings at Castle Street Primary (known as an ‘Assembly’).

  I am now constantly being told by the other small earthlings that Alice and I are spending a lot of time sitting in a tree. This is simply untrue but it does not deter them. In this tree we are said to have been engaging in an activity called ‘K-I-S-S-I-N-G’. It is difficult to discover exactly how this works but seems to involve something similar to licking each other’s faces. This sounds most unsanitary.

  My companion Josh has advised me to undertake regular sessions of Foot the Ball as a means of escaping the clutches of Alice and the other females. I do this reluctantly as Commander Freakley often states that she dislikes Foot the Ball and I do not wish to be seen working against the wishes of the unit leader.

  CHAPTER 5

  MUSIC

  ‘Thank you, girls, that was very nice,’ said Miss Frinkley to Alice, Hannah and Rose. ‘Who would like to go next?’

  The girls replaced their instruments in the centre of the circle. No-one else seemed to be willing to share their compositions.

  ‘Ally? How would you like to play your music to us? I’m sure you’ll have had lots of ideas.’

  Ally had not had lots of ideas. In fact, he was having great difficulty in understanding exactly what music was. He knew, of course, that if an object vibrated sufficiently quickly then a sound would be produced. Beyond that, all was confusion. The Earthlings had been making a bewildering array of strange objects vibrate, usually by hitting them with short sticks. This, apparently, was music. The teacher had made approving sounds at each effort, yet these sounds were not music. He hesitated.

  ‘I am not at all sure, Miss Freakley, that I have understood this concept correctly. In what order do I have to make the objects vibrate?’

  ‘That doesn’t really matter, Ally. As long as your music sounds like a stream tumbling over a rocky bed, then it will be OK,’ she reassured him.

  ‘I shall attempt the task,’ Ally said with growing confidence.

  He took hold of a triangular shaped piece of metal with both hands, closed his eyes and began. Quietly at first, the children and teacher thought they could hear dripping water. For some reason, everyone closed their eyes. Then came a gurgling sound exactly like a stream tumbling over rocks. The hiss and splash of rapids followed. Ally let go of the triangle. It did not fall to the floor but remained floating in the centre of the school’s music room. The combination of sounds became louder. The audience was now fully transported in their minds to the countryside. Birdsong filled the air as a group of villagers danced to folk songs in an open meadow. Ally walked slowly around the room, touching tables, chairs, books. Every item rose gently into the air, emitting sounds that matched the story of the river’s journey. Hunters riding through a forest, a moonlit clearing where wild animals rested, a mighty castle with guards marching and heralds trumpeting.

  Finally, Ally began to rest his hands on his classmates’ shoulders. Each felt a lightness flow through their body and the sounds of roaring waves and rushing tides filled their heads. Miss Frinkley was added last of all. With a finale of dazzling firework sounds, the room returned to silence. The floating objects surrendered once again to the force of gravity. No-one spoke. No-one wanted to break into the atmosphere of wonder.

  ‘That piece was called “Attack of the Battle Droids of Tana-Salia”. It is music.’

  ‘Ally, that was… I never heard anything quite… never felt so… ’ said Miss Frinkley.

  Laurence Bell was wiping his eyes with a tissue and his nose with his sleeve.

  The children filed back to their classroom, wide-eyed.

  ‘How did you do that?’ Josh asked.

  Ally held out both hands towards Josh. ‘Special gloves.’

  My Graphic Score

  Report 5: Strange sounds

  Agent 47/23 to Agent 58/24

  Earthlings have a novel method of entertaining themselves. It involves organising sounds into collections of patterns then listening to the resulting noise. I have heard several examples of these noises recently and found that there are certain combinations of patterns that create a positive reaction in my brains. I now find that some of these noises pop into my memory without being actively recalled. The sound ‘Doobie-doobie-doo’ seems to occur most frequently. I do not know why.

  I must report that the noises organised by an Earthling called Smetana are most pleasing. I suggest that we make Smetana a primary target of the invasion and take him back to Taar Epsilon 4 to organise noises on our planet. I think you will be amused.

  In order to fit in with the Earthlings I have begun to learn to play an instrument called a triangle, named after the shape of the instrument. It is very difficult to master and my attempts at playing some of Smetana’s music on it have met with mixed reactions so far. I will keep practising.

  Some sound organisers, known here as ‘musicians’, are held in high esteem by Earthlings and are rewarded with large houses, fast cars and their own Saturday night television show. It is vital that we round up all the musicians on Earth and keep them in cages after the invasion. Without music, I believe the Earthlings will be more accepting of their new rulers.

  I must end my report here. A song about Birdies has begun inside my head and I am unable to concentrate on anything else.

  CHAPTER 6

  GEOGRAPHY – OUR TOWN

  ‘We’ve seen how the availability of resources dictated the founding of settlements in history and the developments through time that have led to the town we live in today,’ Miss Frinkley said, mostly to herself.

  ‘What came after “We’ve”?’ Ally asked. With the invasion fast approaching, he was finding it hard to concentrate on school work.

  Miss Frinkley continued, regardless of Ally’s difficulty. ‘But what about the future, children? What might our town be like in twenty years time? What new buildings might there be?’

  ‘We might have a fifty-screen cinema!’

  ‘A theme park on Castle Street!’

  ‘A giant slide that lands you in a massive bowl of icecream!’

  ‘A compound for the breeding of deadly creatures to unleash upon our foes!’

  ‘A giant slide that lands you in a massive bowl of jelly!’

  A space was prepared in the classroom. Two tables were pushed together and covered with green paper to represent the site of the new town. The class were to make model buildings, cardboard roads and blue cellophane waterways to display their ideas of the Town of the Future. Slowly, the town took shape. Miss Frinkley thought it had rather too many massive bowls of dessert. Alice thought the new four-dimensional library should be in the centre instead of Laurence’s laser paintball shooting range. Ally was putting the finishing touches to his contribution.

  ‘And what do we have here?’ the teacher asked.

  ‘It is a spaceport. There are facilities for refuelling and maintenance, storage areas for freight and a passengers’ lounge. Here you can see the traffic control tower. It also features a high security detention centre for intergalactic criminals.’

  ‘It seems you’ve thought of everything!’

  ‘Not quite, Commander Freakley. I have yet to construct the Robot Exchange and the Administration offices.’

  Josh carried over his swimming pool with fifty metre diving board. ‘There’s nowhere for the kittens,’ he said, eyebrows high with fake innocence.

  Miss Frinkley gave him a puzzled look. Ally peered closely at the model. He straightened up, gazed out of the window and spoke quietly, almost as if to himself. ‘That appears to be a serious omission in the design. However, upon reflection, this should not affect the operability of the facility nor impair its effectiveness in controlling the local population.’

  ‘At least it’s not full of guns like Laurence’s place,’ said Hannah.<
br />
  ‘Weapons will not be allowed in the future,’ was Ally’s reply.

  ‘I’m very glad to hear it,’ said Miss Frinkley, ’It makes a nice change for a boy say something like that.’

  With all the buildings completed and placed, the micro-camera was passed over the streets to make a video guide to the new town.

  ‘Our final task is to choose a name for it,’ announced Miss Frinkley.

  ‘Year Sixville!’

  ‘Gailby!’

  ‘New Castletown!’

  ‘Space Empire Prison Colony 27B!’

  ‘Kittenaria!’

  ‘Josh, don’t be silly,’ said Miss Frinkley.

  Space Empire Prison Colony 27B (design stage)

  Report 6: Small male Earthlings

  Agent 47/23 to Agent 58/24

  Following my attempts at the Earth activity known as Foot the Ball, which I have now abandoned, I am in a position to report on the nature of small male Earthlings. They have developed some interesting ways of communicating that do not use words. Rather, when a dispute arises in a game of Foot the Ball, the matter is usually settled by ignoring the ball and kicking each other repeatedly.

  The scoring system in this game is very odd. When the period of time set aside for the game is over, both sides then announce how many goals they think they have scored. The numbers shouted out bear no resemblance to the true number of goals. By this method, in the last game I observed, the declared scores were 57 against 39. It seems the team that shouts loudest is the winner, regardless of the number of times the ball was placed over the enemy line.

  The boys also communicate with each other using hand signs. A waved fist appears to mean ‘I am your friend’, a punch on the shoulder also seems to mean the same. To pull another boy’s hair shows that the puller requires the use of a ruler. Raising two fingers to the lunchtime staff means ‘I would like a second helping of the mid-day food’ and a single finger raised translates as ‘I wish to be sent home by the Headteacher.’

  The class unit commander, Freakley, discourages the boys from communicating in this way. She is foolish to do so. Sign language has the advantage of being silent (except when a foot is being stamped on). This system of communication is very well suited to secret operations. As the boys here are already experts at it, I urge the invasion troops to take care around small male Earthlings. They may well turn out to be quite dangerous.